What Jessica Jones Can Teach Us About Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships are a very real and very horrible problem in our society….Here is what Marvel’s Jessica Jones does to shine a light on this fact.

 

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So I’ve recently watched the TV show Jessica Jones and as I made my way through the show, I started to notice something about the antagonist of the show (played by actor David Tennant) I’ve seen signs on how the antagonist of the show, Kilgrave, though he has super powers, is actually an abuser.

 

Here is what I’ve noticed: In terms of abuse it seems her abusers approach was that of emotional abuse.

What is emotional abuse? It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and subjugate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven’t dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

Yes, he has mind controlling powers but the way we have seen them being used, especially on this one character (and the side effects it all had on Jessica Jones) we have seen how he uses it to abuse and control people.

 

  • He is controlling in the sense of always needing to know where she is going, what she is going to be doing, taking her phone and making sure (by making threats he goes through with) she is back within certain time frames.

 

  • Her abuser also plays the victim. (common trait in most abusers) That the actual victim of the abuser is making them do things or something else made them do it. Like things are his victims fault. an example was a conversation in Episode 7 that Jones has with her abuser. (its a little later in the post) There was a time where he would make Jessica Jones hurt herself then make himself save her, pretending to protect her and be the hero or he would make statements such as: “You never appreciate anything I do for you.” making himself the victim and turning it around on Jones herself. Making her think he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

 

  • After her leaving him and getting out of his control, Kilgrave is dead set on finding her and has developed stalker like behaviors (which he probably had before to some extent). Taking photos of her, having others take photos of her and follow her (etc.) Which leads into my last point. Abusers isolate the victim of the abuse. In the scene I’m gonna share in a moment you see this play out in terms of the fact that her abuser is trying to isolate her from everyone she knows. (In this case, killing people close to her doesn’t stop this guy but this is a TV show and a super villain we are talking about in this sense.) In return he is telling her things, professing feelings for her and in result trying to make sure she is isolated and only hearing his words and his opinions.

*spoilers following as I am going to discuss the conversation in this specific scene*

Kilgrave: “I will admit to keeping eyes on you. Spies are easy to come by for me.”

Jones: “Do whatever you are going to do to me, but let them go.” (There is a hostage scene taking place here as Kilgrave is using his powers to hold a whole room of people hostage)

Kilgrave: “Well I have to protect myself so…”

Jones: “Then control me, not them.”

Kilgrave: “I have absolutely no intention of controlling you. I want you to act on your own accord.”

She (Jones) asks: “Act how? Suicide? Is that why you’ve been torturing me?”

Kilgrave, her abuser, then states: “*chuckles* Oh my God, Jessica, I knew you were insecure. That’s just sad. I’m not torturing you. Why would I? I love you.

 

The scene continues and Jones calls her abuser out on his actions calling them a ‘demented declaration of love.’ and how he ruined her life in this act. She couldn’t be any closer to the truth.

Her abuser then says he was trying to make her see “That I’m the only one who matches you… Who challenges you… Who’ll do anything for you.” – In any other case this might almost sound romantic because who doesn’t want to be with someone who will do anything for you or challenges you for the better? But as you can see its not romantic. Not in this sense. Not when he is stalking her, killing her friends and family (he killed a young man who claimed to love Jessica), and becoming obsessive….Trying to get her back.

He then becomes angry (he’s very short fused.) when someones cell phone rings and it interrupts his professing ‘eternal love’

 

 

 

Now sure, no one has superpowers either so this whole abusive situation might be over-dramatized for the show but I feel Marvel was clever in this sense. They took a mind controlling super villain and used him and his abilities to shine a light on abuse. What that looks like and how it might appear to the victim as well. You don’t have to have powers to control or harm someone. If you did this wouldn’t be a real problem, would it? But despite the fact that this character has powers it doesn’t change the fact that he is an abuser and I think Marvel did a really good job in conveying that and not portraying an antagonists actions as okay or somewhat acceptable as most media might convey things.

 

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Scars to your beautiful

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, it’s true

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Recently I heard the song ‘Scars to your Beautiful” by Alessia Cara on the radio. I’ve really grown fond of her because her music is not dirty, inappropriate crap about sex and drugs..and then when I heard her song Scars To Your Beautiful, I had a new appreciation for this music artist.

I was so happy to hear an artist speak out about this ever growing issue of society making women (and men) insecure about their bodies and who they are as a person.

What I love about people is when they’re just being themselves and not worrying about what they look like.” is a quote from the commentary in the music video (shared below) and it couldn’t be more true. There is nothing more beautiful than someone who is just being themselves. Fully and completely themselves.

 

Its a beautiful thing.

 

Now I’m not saying its easy to forget comments made to you about how you look or what people think. Especially if those comments have been negative or you are a people pleaser like me. Its hard to put the negative or your insecurities out of your mind…Especially when people seem to be brutally honest these days and say whatever they feel whether its true or not…

 

And society is essentially bipolar. It really is.

When it comes to who you are and should be and how you should look and act, society is always changing its ideas.

 

Its unpredictable and constantly changing.

 

Something I’m still learning is to realize that its okay to be me and that I’m beautiful the way I am. And that if people don’t like it, then it doesn’t matter because then they never really cared for who I am as a person.  Its a long hard process to put aside all my insecurities and things people have said to me about my size/body in the past but things are moving in a positive direction for me. Its slow but its there. So know that even though you are trying to love yourself for who you are and it feels like you are going nowhere, know that it takes time. By not loving yourself, you are hating and hurting yourself.

Healing takes time and thats ok.

Think on that and also I hope you are encouraged by the words of this song and what the people in the video have to say. I know I was.

 

 

“Scars To Your Beautiful” by Alessia Cara

She just wants to be beautiful
She goes unnoticed, she knows no limits,
She craves attention, she praises an image,
She prays to be sculpted by the sculptor
Oh she don’t see the light that’s shining
Deeper than the eyes can find it
Maybe we have made her blind
So she tries to cover up her pain, and cut her woes away
‘Cause covergirls don’t cry after their face is made

But there’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing
The world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
And you don’t have to change a thing
The world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

She has dreams to be an envy, so she’s starving
You know, “Covergirls eat nothing.”
She says, “Beauty is pain and there’s beauty in everything.”
“What’s a little bit of hunger?”
“I could go a little while longer,” she fades away
She don’t see her perfect, she don’t understand she’s worth it
Or that beauty goes deeper than the surface
Ah oh, ah ah oh,
So to all the girls that’s hurting
Let me be your mirror, help you see a little bit clearer
The light that shines within

There’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing
The world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
And you don’t have to change a thing
The world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

No better you than the you that you are
(no better you than the you that you are)
No better life than the life we’re living
(no better life than the life we’re living)
No better time for your shine, you’re a star
(no better time for your shine, you’re a star)
Oh, you’re beautiful, oh, you’re beautiful

There’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing
The world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
Whoa-oh-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
And you don’t have to change a thing
The world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

Why I’m Ashamed to go to Victoria’s Secret

Trust me, I couldn’t care less what Victoria’s ‘secret’ is and despite that store carrying necessities a woman kinda sorta needs, I still feel ashamed stepping foot into the store (or La Senza too but you get my point) Why? … Continue reading

Well, We Don’t Like Being ‘Eye Candy’ Either…

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So I recently went and saw the Ghostbusters movie in theatres with my sister and co-worker, Taylor, and I really really enjoyed the film (maybe I’ll review it another time) A few days after watching the movie, I stumbled upon some posts and articles posted on Facebook written by some enraged guys about Chris Hemsworth’s character Kevin in the film.  People were mad that he played a dumb guy who was basically just there for his looks. (The term I read that was used frequently was ‘Eye Candy’ )

Now normally I’m not one to whine or complain about this kind of stuff but I just want to say this. ‘Us girls don’t like it when you do this to us, either.’

Normally I’m not one for the whole time to give you a taste of your own medicine thing…but right now this actually applies quite well. I think it was interesting and kind of nice to have the roles reversed for once because finally…FINALLY people are starting to slowly come to the realization that ‘hey. It totally sucks when this guy/girl is a total dummy and only there because they are attractive. What does that make me?’

My question and main concern is Why? Why aren’t people taking a stand against the creation of characters like this? Like, don’t get me wrong. These kinds of characters are HILARIOUS. But what is that also telling us about how much people and the media seem to take the looks of people for granted and nothing else really matters? – Now I’m NOT saying we all need to riot till things are changed but do you think there is any way this kind of thing can be changed? or should?

I ask this for the reason looking at it from a girls point of view here. But to me, it seems women’s bodies are so sexualized in our society and we and our bodies are turned into some sort of pleasure for the eye. And what do we and our bodies then become? Eye candy. There for the pure and simple enjoyment of the eyes of others. Women these days don’t seem to be held to high standards because they are clever. Its based a LOT on how we look and its one of the many things messing with many people in our society today. As women we want to be like these models or whoever and have a body like theirs to even get a guy to look at us or get their attention but then we have to worry about guys who may not wanna keep their hands (or words) to themselves. Everything has spiralled out of control based on this whole idea of people and characters only being around for the sole reason of being ‘Eye Candy’ to others.

 

Until Next Time,

Adriana G.

 

Please Note: I’m not saying all guys are horrid people or whatever. I’m just looking deeper into an issue that can and is spiralling out of control even with simple and further promptings with characters who are dumb and really only there cause they look good to the other characters or whatever.  (and I’m using the example of women cause I am a woman and yeah….you get my point)